Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
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