You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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