Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
