Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
