and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
