Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
