can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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