It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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