I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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