So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
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