You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
