youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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