Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
