I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
