Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
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