My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
