do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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