honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
