New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
