I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
