he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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