To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
