I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
