I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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