Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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