all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
