Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
