he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
