Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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