I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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