Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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