My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
