i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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