my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
