Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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