have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
