He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
