fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
