exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
