I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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