if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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