PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Randomize
