apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
