Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
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