dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
