11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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