He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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