I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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