I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
