Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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