I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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